My favorite song!

"On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright"

- Love the Way You Lie feat. Eminem

Contradicting...

the first time you told me you forgot, i believe without thinking much.
this time you told me you forgot again, i doubt so.
i shouldn't be. but it's a fact that i already did =\
those days/hours/minutes that you didn't reply, all felt so lonely and empty to me.
i keep checking my phone.
but all i got was disappointment.
i wanted to text you first, but i just didn't know what to say.
and i don't want it to be very random.
is it really that easy to forget that you have not reply?
because i don't think you are the forgetful type.
i don't know why, but i'm starting to think that you are avoiding me.
and you are not replying on purpose.
although i can't find any reasons for you to do so.
sometimes i even question myself about our relationship.
are we friends, good friends or just acquaintances?
and which of the above you think we are?
if we are just normal friends, you shouldn't care so much about me.
you shouldn't be worried about me when i tell you i need someone to talk to.
you shouldn't even bother.
the more you shouldn't feel sad and disappointed at me when you found out that i'm doing some things that i aren't supposed to be doing.
and you wouldn't be so anxious when someone asked you what had happened to me for that few days and keep calling me.
i do want to know why are you feeling all this towards me.
is it that you feel the same towards any of your friends?
or is it just sympathy?
and if we are good friends, why is it that when i asked you what had happened, you always chose not to tell me?
i still remember last time when i asked you why do you have so much trust in me,
and you replied "i just have that gut feeling that you can be trusted".
if you trust me, why don't you want to share your worries with me?
or at least tell me what you are thinking?
and if you say we are only acquaintances, i would only blame myself for telling you so much.
if you are reading this now, you should know that i'm referring to you.
i know after reading this, you will be angry for sure.
but even if you're angry with me, this is really how i feel.
at least i chose not to direct to you.
and if you're really reading all this, then i want you to ask yourself a few questions.
are you trying to make yourself not to fall for someone?
are you doing certain things just because you're afraid of falling in love and getting into a relationship?
well, all i've got to say is to follow your heart.
don't force yourself to do certain things that you yourself know that you wouldn't like.

i hate myself for not having the courage
i despise myself

unexpected

bad start-off for today.
was waken up by a sms from Ngee Ann regarding our results.
although was longing for this day but my mood was still spoilt by it.
results wasn't good.
in fact it was very bad.
a B, three Cs and five Ds.
what made it worse is that the module that i got B was my elective only.
and i got a D for both my core modules.
this sem was really fcuked up.
keep missing lectures and tutorials.
failed my common test for both core modules.
its no wonder my results are so bad.
cant blame anyone but myself.
blame myself for wasting my time doing stupid things for someone who no longer exist in my life.
come to think of it, i was seriously stupid.
did so many things to find out that everything was just lies after lies.
well, shall not talk about this matter anymore.

anyway, that was in the morning.
after waking up, headed to tiong bahru plaza to have breakfast with my brother.
had Big Breakfast at Mac! wahahahahaha~
was super full after i finished.
wonder how i manage to finish the Deluxe set with Jovi that time. lol~
after that walked around and we went to a pet shop.
saw the hamsters while we stood outside the shop.
they are seriously very cute and small!
feel like buying one home but my mum dont allow -.-
but dont know why the pet shop owner squeeze so many hamsters into one compartment.
there are like over 10 in a single compartment lor.
after that, walked in to take a look.
saw a dog dish+water bottle which cost $38!
and my brother told me it cost $33 cause the tag was fading already.
i really thought it was $33 so we decided to get it.
but the cashier told me its $38 and i was stunned.
cause i didnt have enought cash.
then we told the cashier we will be back later.
damn paiseh lor. want buy but not enough money.
after that headed back again to get the 2-in-1 dog dish and a toy for my dog.

head home after that to rest for a while before heading for work.
was still feeling quite sad for my bad results but something sort of cheered me up.
upon seeing that, my mood immediately changed.
was quite shocked though. cause it was totally unexpected. and it was the second day something like this happened already.
was still wanting to sms someone to talk about it but dont need already.
well, just hope that this will continue to happen?
but this cant possibly last long cause eventually i will have to make the initiative.
anyway~ timyiong came to our house to slack a while before all three of us headed for work.
before going for work, we bought the 'chao da ji pa' from the taiwan shilin xiaochi.
reached workplace, ate dinner and started work.
today was quite okay though. just that it was super warm outside!
i swear i'm going to melt if i were to stay there any longer. lol~
after work went to eat prawn noodles beside our workplace.
boss was very nice. he heard that we are going to eat so he offered to treat us =D
thought the prawn noodles will be very nice cause its quite popular.
in the end it just taste the same as any other prawn noodle =.=
then one of our colleage offered me tiger beer so i just accept it.
but its one mug only. lol~ drank with them on wednesday also.
they are nice people. enjoy working there!
now i wonder why i ever thought of quitting this job =.=

after work, waited with timyiong for his dad to come fetch him.
crapped a lot as usual. lol.
after his dad reached, headed home, walked my dog, bathed and now i'm here blogging.
and i think it's time for me to stop?
cause this post is getting way too long~! hahaha.

alright~ shall post again when i have the time!
goodnight people! XD

16 days and I'm still counting...

Sorry...

sorry for doing things i shouldn't do...
sorry for not listening to you at times...
sorry for talking back...
sorry for disappointing you...
sorry for making you worried...
sorry for breaking your heart...
sorry for everything I've done that makes you sad...

I'm sorry...

Directions?

it has been a long time since i've updated my blog.
so sorry for those who care to check for new post!

well, just wanted to blog about one issue.
this one issue that have been bothering me, even till this very moment.
i've been wondering was that choice i made right or wrong.
it seems right in the first place.
cause its nothing wrong to do what i did.
but as time goes by, i started to think the opposite way.
i feel bad.
i feel bad to keep it from so many people.
i dont even know why i have to hide it from them.
is it that i'm feeling guilty?
i dont know what i should do now.
continue or stop?
hurt others or suffer alone?

i need directions...

was the feeling mutual?
or was it just me thinking too much?

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY JOVI TAN!!!

Hi peeps!
this marks my 5th post after creating this blog!
but it's like finally another blog post
cause was too lazy to blog :D
keep planning what to blog about but when i switch on my laptop,
it's either dota/facebook/msn/twitter.
nothing else.
it's like suddenly will feel lazy to blog.
but well, still need to keep this blog alive.
if not i will be letting CBN down.
any idea who's CBN?
haha.
happy guessing arh! :D
of course, updating my blog will also keep you guys updated on what's happening around me!

hm. should start with TUESDAY bah.
well, had dinner with Danney and went for skates as usual.
went to brush up on my basics as usual.
cause i'm still weak in my basics.
and i still can't do front one foot!
not to mention back one foot!
hais. guess i should skate more often.
but not too often though.
if not will be like Danney, back ache for weeks.
but okay lah, at least i 'mastered' a few basics like fish, front snake, front cross etc...
but things didn't went smoothly as i thought it would be.
fell down while doing something(forget what already) and hurt my left knee.
thought it was nothing cause its just abrasions.
but it certainly hurts while bathing!
after that continued skating till lights are switched off.
packed up and went off first.
i think people will think i'm anti-social.
cause didn't join them for 'kam jia zui'(sugarcane drink) at the market ever since i joined NP Inline Skate Club.
feel abit bad also.
but nevermind. at least i joined them on thursday :D
reached home, bathed, facebook-ed awhile and off to sleep!

shall skip WEDNESDAY cause nothing much also.
went to school as usual etc.

as for THURSDAY, went for skate as usual also.
but damn suay.
cause i fell on the same spot on Tuesday!
this time, the wound got worse.
okay this might sound gross.
but the whole 'skin' came off and sort of shifted place.
at first when i'm still on the floor, i think to myself.
"since when i got this wound? i thought i only got one wound?"
then when i went to the stairs to sit, i realise that the "new wound" was actually the 'skin'.
it's like a snake shedding its skin. LOL.
after that cleaned the wound with water+tissue paper cause it was bleeding then rest for awhile.
after that went to skate around before the lights are off.
well, the injury was quite worthwhile cause i learn 2 new tricks.
mabrouk and back cross nelson!
not sure whether this is the correct spelling.
so, went to market with them as mention earlier.
left at around 10.15pm and walked to the bus stop in front of KAP to catch 75.
reached home around 11+, bathed and off to sleep!

shall skip FRIDAY, SATURDAY and SUNDAY.
cause forget what happen already and lazy to remember.
haha. but went to 2nd mini steamboat delight to work as usual on the weekends.

lastly, shall blog about today!
it's Jovi's birthday today! wooh!
went out earlier today to meet Jeffrey, Kaymin and Timyiong.
supposed to meet up at 10am but in the end was late cause woke up late.
sorry kaymin and timyiong!
reached cwp, went to eat breakfast at mac and off to jeffrey's house.
cause he DIDN'T come to meet us because he OVERSLEPT.
so we decided to go his house to discuss about what to get for Jovi.
reached his house and saw him brushing his teeth. LOL.
started to discuss and wanted to get him Fred Perry shoe.
but cant find any suitable or nice one.
actually intended to get a pair which goes with his Fred Perry Shirt.
but cant find it on fredperry.com neither on asos.com.
so in the end, change idea.
after much discussion, decided to get him a Razer mice.
so went to cwp to shop for it.
wasn't quite sure on which model to get for him cause some models are always sold out or unavailable.
so we made the decision after we reached Stereo.
saw Ronald there so asked him to recommend on which to get.
in the end, bought Lachesis for him.
cant mention the price here, if not it wouldn't be fun anymore :D
but it's shared among six of us.
Jeffrey, Kay Min, Tim Yiong, Ronald, me and my brother.
so after we bought it, we set off to Jovi's house!
reached there, played cards for awhile then decided to go ride bicycle.
ride till around 6pm then we went back for BBQ.
ate till around 9pm, then went to cut birthday cake already.
manage to sabo Jovi with the cake!
after that, chaos. LOL.
Jovi went around chasing us to get us dirtied by the cake also.
played around for awhile then Jovi went up to clean up cause we going to cycle again.
well, something happened on the way to waterfront.
but lucky its not too serious.
after that, went back to Jovi's house to get our stuff and place his present secretly on his shelf.
when he saw it, he was so shocked.
he just keep saying thank you and thank you and thank you...
after that, took cab home cause mum wanted us to reach home before 11pm cause of the 'you-know-what'.
reached home, bathed, and now i'm here blogging.
this is a super long post.
i type until my eyes tired already. LOL.
but waiting for someone's reply on msn.
guess i shall wait for another 15mins before going to sleep?
shall blog again asap!
goodnight everyone! :D

i thought i had gotten over you
but why is there a heart ache when i saw you with him?
i don't know why and i wish to know the answer

Selfish or Fair?

from the very first day we are together, you told me that you feel that you owe me a lot.

that's because of something that had happen to you in the past.
you didn't tell me about this before we even got together.
you said you are scared of losing me after telling me.
but you told me eventually.
i sat and listen to what you had to say.
i know it took you a lot of courage to say it out.
even before you told me, i can already predict what you wanted to say.
but i told myself that it's impossible.
i told myself you wouldn't do this kind of things.
so i listened.
after hearing what you said, i was shocked.
and my prediction was correct.
i didn't walk away, and i didn't leave you.
i even said something to you.
"what happened in the past is not important.
i doesn't matter to me and i just want to be with you.
what's important is our future."
after hearing this,
you told me that you owe me even more.
and you will do whatever things to keep or to make me happy.
but i guess it's a different story now?

6 months ago, you did something wrong.
you did something behind my back.
but you feel that it's perfectly alright to do that.
but is the sms part still perfectly alright?
is going out to meet another guy right after celebrating my birthday perfectly alright?
do you even know how hurt i was?
i was at your house when i found out this.
you cried and kneel down and beg me not to leave.
you even beg me to give you another chance.
another chance for you to earn back my trust.
i gave you that chance.
but now you tell me, is it right for me to give you this chance?
different story also?

during this 6 months, more things happened.
and i keep giving you chances.
i even proved to you that i can change for you.
but in the end, you are the one who wants a break up.
and the reason for wanting:
"i am tired of trying to earn back your trust."

you said throughout the 6 months, i didn't trust you at all.
not even a single bit.
but you are not me, how would you know?
even if i really didn't trust you at all,
you think it is so easy to put your trust in someone who you love so deeply but did something which hurt you so much?
what you did to me was totally unexpected.
do you really think 6 months is all it takes to earn back my trust?

you told me you know you shouldn't be giving up so easily.
you told me it's hard for you to forget this relationship also.
you said you lose faith many times.
and the more you lose faith in it, the more you feel tired.

but isn't this a very selfish reason?
if you really love me, would you be giving up so easily?
would you even bear to let go?
you even told me you had to be selfish to me to be fair to yourself.
you said you just want yourself to be happy.
but have you forgotten what you told me when we just started out?
to keep me and to make me happy no matter what?
everything is a different story now right?

you have changed.
everything about you had changed.
from the day you went into poly, you are slowly changing into another person.
and i don't think i know you anymore...

remember how you beg to me in your email?
remember how you beg to me at your house?
now i'm just asking you to try once more...

Thanks Binni!

this post is dedicated to Chua Binni!
thanks for helping me do my blog!
i know all those html codes very very confusing de.
so a big thanks to you!
and sorry for troubling you too!

and for those who have shown me concern,
thank you all too!
no matter what, i wont forget this group of friends behind me.
always supporting me and helping me when i needed help the most.

LOVE YOU ALL!

Just keep swimming...

hey people,
this is the 2nd post of my blog!
sorry for not updating frequently, cause was quite "busy" these few days.
well, will try to update more frequently?
i guess not much people will be reading my blog anyway.
but i'll still update :D

today was supposed to go work.
but i didn't. was too lazy and tired.
so as usual, i pon work.
in the end, woke up at around 2pm.
woke up, eat, bathe, dota 1 match then off to swimming with Jovi, Timyiong, Kaymin and my brother.
Timyiong came to our house to meet me and my brother first.
cause its still early and we supposed to meet at 5pm.
walked to woodlands swimming complex and Kaymin was already there sitting by the stairs.
so lonely uhh.
as usual, Jovi was late.
when can he be early? lol
so, we went in first.
changed and waited for Jovi in the changing room then off to competition pool.
didnt really wanted to go to the competition pool.
but no choice, for Timyiong and Kaymin.
cause me, Jovi and my brother recently just learn how to swim.
quite embarrassing though, still dont know how to swim at this age.
but nevermind, will continue to practice! :D
but dont think after school reopen, we will have time to meet up to swim.
cause everyone will be busy with their school work and stuffs.

tomorrow will be going sentosa with the same group of people.
except my mei mei and Jena will be joining.
cause cant let my sister be home alone.
after that, still have e2 class bbq at La Casa.
well, i guess i shall go sleep now.
tired and need to wake up early tomorrow.
cause meeting them at 7am!
but before that, i need to do something first.
something very important =)
will try to update everyday?
cheers people! :D

why?

just created a blog.
as the title says, the reason why I create a blog is to let other people know how I feel and what I'm thinking.
at least for those who really care about me.
and I mean REALLY.

those who had been together with me lately should know what's going on.
apart from my relationship with her, many things have been happening.
and I don't mean good things.
school, family, and love.
everything isn't going smoothly.
people say there is bound to be a major set back in one's life.
and I think mine is here.

from the start of this term, I really don't know what I've learn at school.
I haven't done a single tutorial and I hadn't been listening during lectures.
I've also been skipping so many lessons.
seriously, i don't think I'll be able to get good grades for this semester.
I don't know why but I just don't have the mood to study.
I really need to buck up and study hard.
after all, like what my mum always tell me
"you study is for your own good. next time you get a good job and good pay, you can enjoy your life."

as for my family matters, it's not a good idea to blog about it.
as the word "family" suggest, things should be kept inside my family.

as for love, all i can say is disappointment after disappointment.
the disappointment just keeps on building up.
but what goes up has got to fall.
and that will be the day when I can no longer stand it.
or should say, when I had enough of everything.
chances are hard to come by.
but when you're given a chance, why couldn't you just cherish it?
and it's not just one time.
how many chances have I given you?
countless.
but you just don't learn.
you told me that you hope things can be like how it was before.
but let me tell you this.
Impossible.
after so many things, it's just impossible.
all I get was lies after lies.
once there's a first time, there will be a second time.
that's why you just can't stop lying to me.
you broke that trust that I had in you.
but you're not trying to earn it back.
instead you're doing even more things to make me not believe in you.
it's no point saying so much.
all I can say is,
"When there's is hope, means that person still care for you. Don't wait till even the slightest hope is gone, then you start to regret."

guess I shall stop here for today.
I just created this blog so there's many things that's still not in place.
will try to solve it as soon as possible :)
update soon!