Contradicting...

the first time you told me you forgot, i believe without thinking much.
this time you told me you forgot again, i doubt so.
i shouldn't be. but it's a fact that i already did =\
those days/hours/minutes that you didn't reply, all felt so lonely and empty to me.
i keep checking my phone.
but all i got was disappointment.
i wanted to text you first, but i just didn't know what to say.
and i don't want it to be very random.
is it really that easy to forget that you have not reply?
because i don't think you are the forgetful type.
i don't know why, but i'm starting to think that you are avoiding me.
and you are not replying on purpose.
although i can't find any reasons for you to do so.
sometimes i even question myself about our relationship.
are we friends, good friends or just acquaintances?
and which of the above you think we are?
if we are just normal friends, you shouldn't care so much about me.
you shouldn't be worried about me when i tell you i need someone to talk to.
you shouldn't even bother.
the more you shouldn't feel sad and disappointed at me when you found out that i'm doing some things that i aren't supposed to be doing.
and you wouldn't be so anxious when someone asked you what had happened to me for that few days and keep calling me.
i do want to know why are you feeling all this towards me.
is it that you feel the same towards any of your friends?
or is it just sympathy?
and if we are good friends, why is it that when i asked you what had happened, you always chose not to tell me?
i still remember last time when i asked you why do you have so much trust in me,
and you replied "i just have that gut feeling that you can be trusted".
if you trust me, why don't you want to share your worries with me?
or at least tell me what you are thinking?
and if you say we are only acquaintances, i would only blame myself for telling you so much.
if you are reading this now, you should know that i'm referring to you.
i know after reading this, you will be angry for sure.
but even if you're angry with me, this is really how i feel.
at least i chose not to direct to you.
and if you're really reading all this, then i want you to ask yourself a few questions.
are you trying to make yourself not to fall for someone?
are you doing certain things just because you're afraid of falling in love and getting into a relationship?
well, all i've got to say is to follow your heart.
don't force yourself to do certain things that you yourself know that you wouldn't like.

i hate myself for not having the courage
i despise myself